Seas of Healing
Many of my most significant moments in the presence of Christ are when I actively engage with big emotions. In most instances, it’s when I am feeling alone, overwhelmed, misunderstood or hurt that Jesus meets me in the deepest, most intimate ways. I am not saying you need to feel these things to enter into imaginative prayer, but I am encouraging you not to negate the times when you find those emotions surfacing. Our emotions are a gift from God to make sense and find meaning in the world around us. They help us express and understand the things that have happened to us, and the Holy Spirit only brings up things He wishes to talk with us about. When I have an emotion, I’m learning to approach it with curiosity. Jesus, what do you want to tell me about this emotion? Which wound do you want to heal? What internal thought process are you revealing? What do you want to tell me about yourself? Jesus doesn’t want you to struggle with deciphering your emotions on your own; He is offering an opportunity to be held in his presence and gain an understanding of yourself and the Father in a more profound way.
Balloons
During a worship night in our community group, I sat at the back of the room against the wall. My heart felt burdened by past hurts, current shortcomings and deep inner desires which had yet to be filled. People’s voices rang out around me; Your goodness is running after, it’s running after me. As the group engaged with the music, my heart whispered to Him, But Jesus, I don’t feel that. Instead, my heart feels… heavy… weighed down.
As the music continues, I close my eyes, finding myself on a beach in my imagination. This beach is long, stretching farther than you can see. My eyes look down to my bare feet squishing the sand between my toes. Driftwood lines the foliage to my left and grey waves crash on the shore to my right; seagulls are calling up ahead, the sun shines through the clouds, creating a glisten on the waves. Taking a deep breath, I can almost smell the salt air of the Pacific Ocean, feel the crisp fresh air in my lungs. I take a few steps along the beach.
Jesus comes up beside me to my right, squeezing my hand as he approaches. The heavy emotions come flooding back to my present consciousness. My gaze falls again to my feet as I continue to walk. It’s as if looking at Jesus will make my feelings too much to bear. Do you want to talk about it? His soft loving voice speaks to my heart. I do, I really do, but what words are there to express what I am feeling? How can I share what weighs on my heart? Sadness, frustration and agony grip my soul. You know Lord, you already know what I am feeling. But still, I want to speak it out. To share with Him how much I want to be somewhere that I am not. To be more healed, less anxious, further along than I am.
Feeling an invisible pull to look at Him, my eyes slowly trace his body, from his open-toed sandals to his dark jean shorts and light knit sweater, till my eyes lock on his. They’re brown, like deep rich chocolate, and filled with light, with love. Kindness flows out of them, not physically, but more a feeling you instantly sense when you look at them. He knows my heart without me having to say much. Jesus, I feel weighed down… like I have made no progress at all. Nodding with understanding, Jesus gazes at me with deep empathy, prompting me to continue. How do I weigh growth? How can I know anything has changed? Especially today, it feels as though nothing has moved. As if in response, he points behind me. Stopping to look around, I notice strings tied around my waist. At the end of each long white string, there is a red balloon. They appear to be weighed down, each holding a concrete substance. Maybe fifty strings, each holding a balloon, each sinking a little into the sand. Next, the Holy Spirit speaks with Jesus. This isn’t audible (as much of my conversation is not) but a thought process develops in my mind.
These balloons represent each burden I hold. Hurts, deferred hopes, longings, each one is there tied to my waist. Though I had not felt it before, I now feel the weight of carrying all of these stringed balloons. Pick one up, I hear Jesus say. Reaching down, I lift up a weighted balloon into my hand. It’s heavy, and I can instantly feel the past trauma it represents. Shame and insecurity rush through my heart as I hold the balloon between my sprawled fingers. Then, I see Jesus’ hand reach out in my peripheral vision. He touches the balloon as I continue to cradle it. When His skin touches the balloon, instantly something happens. As though the concrete invisibly begins to seep out, and is replaced with helium, the balloon begins to float up. Shame leaves and is replaced with peace, not just within me but in the atmosphere.
With the balloon now floating above us, bobbing in the wind, I look back down to the whole gathering of balloons at my feet. You see the weighted balloons, yet I see the opportunities to meet you in each. Keep coming to me, allow my love to meet you in what you are feeling, and I promise there will be transformation. Remember, I want your healing even more than you do. There are multiple balloons that represent the same hurt, this is because we will need to address those many times before that feeling leaves. I am a God of the process, not just the healing. Taking a moment, I consider what this means, asking Jesus a few questions. Can the balloons be weighted down again after they begin to float? He shakes his head, once a balloon floats, it stands as a symbol of his love and faithfulness. Is it bad if more balloons are added to the weighted bunch? I counter. Shaking his head again with a smile, he tells me this is only the nature of living in our world.
You have a Saviour who is longing to meet you in whichever feeling you are experiencing. Feelings are from Him as a gift to make meaning of this world and they can only be fully healed through Him. My encouragement is, don’t try to just dive into your deepest hurt. Open it up to the Spirit and ask Him where He wants to take you. Jesus will show you where He wants to draw you into your heart. He is the God of the process, remember the goal is intimacy with Him – above healing, above progress, above achievements. Our greatest gift is sitting in His loving presence.
Please feel welcome to continue writing about your experiences in imaginative prayer. I know I and others have been encouraged by this community forming.
